 Of the continued travels ... please wear your floaties 2006-09-24 ~ 10:37 a.m.  I had thoughts of what to blog.... they are lost in the wall of noise that is Lilly the last two days. She needs to talk to me in a nonstop6yearold sort of way. It precludes any stream of thought. I listen patiently. She is only 6. There are no moments to myself. No quiet. If the day doesn't start early to go to work... then it starts when Lilly wakes. The end of the day offers no refuge ~ there is no time to type streams of conscienceness to clear my head... The abyss calls and sleep is all I can do at the end of the day. The hours where silence lives... where the hope of building a ladder out of the abyss with words exsists.. I cannot make myself be awake in. I don't have access to the keyboard to spill out what is becoming so toxic in my belly that I know I am drowning... it has begun to present physically... the hours when the words could fall and start the process of detoxing my thoughts are now spent in sleep... the only other place to hide. I defer the keyboard.. to allow someone else to find their own solice. I have not the energy to do anything else. To my children who are aware in varying degrees the depth of this bath in the abyss... as much as the desire to find peace and silence exsists in me... I would not choose to find a new path in a new life just yet. I am weary.. of that there is no question. The most important thing to know ~ I love you. I am truly blessed by the people in my life. So many trying to help in different ways. It's hard for me to accept the offer of help... I feel obligated to repay it in some way.. which adds to the already overwhelming feelings of obligation. Yet... I lit candles in hopes of 'helpful people'.. slowly the prayer is being answered... and it's still hard for me to accept. I asked for... now I must allow myself to humbly accept the help ~ Help that has been offered in love. And for now.. the wallonoise takes presidence.. there are dolls to see, imaginative stories to hear... and a wee girl who needs to know that no matter what... she is more important than anything else going on. She who, after I kissed her head and told her that I love her, asked ~ "And Daniel, and my mom, and Hollie and Dani love me too?"... yes, dear. They love you too.. safe travels
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