 Of rabbit holes & castle doors 2005-09-11 ~ 10:04 a.m.  It was a conversation. Started in the little box on the desktop. Somewhere along the way, I think it started there in the beginning. Little revelations. Tremors. Sitting in this chair shaking so badly I wasn't sure that I could continue. Talking. Words. I love words. They are art & music to me. Questions. There are always those questions. Past the heartache. There was enough of that to last a lifetime. Back then, crying until I prayed to stop breathing. It just hurt too much to imagine being any other way. Eventually it was an empty place. Tender to the touch. When left alone, the occasional echo into that dark place reminded me of what had been. Time passes. Occasionally, sad and even angry. The anger at myself for feeling that I had failed in some way. Sometimes actual anger at the one who left this vast emptiness. It never lasted long. It may have been easier if it had. Time ticks by. I avoided that place. That spot in my existance. I look into it when no one is around. It's the only time that I can look. It pulls me in. The sadness, the pain, the utter joy, the need, the desire. The ties have never been truly broken. Separated by choice or design, the ghost is always there. The ghost who is spirit. Bound in ways most will never understand. I have built a fairly safe place. I open the door carefully. I know that there is no one who can fill the emptiness. I enjoy the company of others. A few along the way have taken their own place in this finely constructed castle. Listening. Walking slowly. I hear familiar sounds in the one place I thought was silent forever. Rattlings in a room that I believed to be empty. Perhaps survival depended on believing. It takes so little to draw me back in. There is comfort & safety in there. It can be a scary place too. Touch the door. Check for fire. For the moment. I'm standing quietly. Waiting to see what the whispers are. Before I fall into the rabbit hole. Fighting my own voices ~ Jump in. Be careful. I think I'll sit here by the door and listen. See what happens
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