Of wondering my worth
2005-06-13 ~ 5:10 p.m.

I have been a bit introspective the last few days. Why? ... you may ask. That's a tangled mess of thought.

I was away from work for 9 days. I had several phone calls. Most of which were of the do you know about this?, or fix this., variety.

I have been thinking about many things job related. If I am where I should be, Is what I am doing rewarding enough to balance the stress/demands, am I able to clearly identify and then fix the things that are not working for me.

Admittedly, I am weary. I have found myself thinking a lot about how much what I do, my 'presence', in any situation or relationship, matters.

The result, so far, is that with the exception of Lilly, I am not sure that my input has a positive influence. I guess I am testing my value to the people and the situations around me. Some of that is driven by the fact that I am struggling to keep ahead of the depression that is gnawing at my heels leg ass, exsistance. I try to tell the people I work with that I appreciate what they do. I tell my family that I love them. All the time. I really think that they need to know. Who doesn't work better knowing that they are appreciated? Who doesn't simply cope with life better knowing that they are valued and appreciated?

... That what they do, makes a positive difference in someone elses life.

[short break for disclaimer]

Important note: To those of you who know me... I am not in any way suggesting that you don't appreciate me.

[resume stream of wreckless thoughts]

I know that if I were not part of Lilly's life that it would be a very different life.

I am just not convinced at this point that I am making a significant, positive difference in anyone's life right now with that one exception.

For a while, I was telling Yvette every day that she needed to say something nice to me. For a few days, she transfered the note from one days list of tasks to the next ~ until it finally stopped moving to the next day.

Perhaps I am simply being too critical of myself. Maybe I just need something that I can't see I am already getting. I just don't know.

The people in my life ~ you know who you are ~ I love and care about very deeply. My heart would ache if you weren't a part of my life.

I'm adrift in the abyss these days. Seeking answers in the dark. Hoping that someone passes by with a candle ~ or at least a match.

Safe travels