 weary 2003-07-22 ~ 10:07 p.m.  I have thought about this public display of thoughts... I am torn between writing anyway.. freely ~ and editing carefully what I put to words. I guess I'll sort it out in time. I have been at my job since September 1999. I've done a lot of different jobs where I work. I am struggling with what I do right now. I've been in a new position since March. For a variety of reasons, I haven't been able to focus on the job I am paid to do. Almost every month something else has been added to my list of responsibilities. Ever time that happens, I just think about the simple fact, I'm not able to do the things I'm already supposed to do... now I have something else I can't take care of. Things are changing at work. I am supposed to be able to focus on that job I am paid for now. I'm 6 months in to the year... I am not sure anymore that I can make things happen that need to. My performance ~ or lack thereof ~ can effect many other people when the time comes to talk about raises again next February... My son, Daniel, keeps telling me that I can do what needs to be done. I wish I were as sure as he seems to be. My delicate balancing act dancing along the edge of the abyss is getting more and more difficult. I am at a point where the calm and familiarity of the deep and dark depression is more appealing than fighting to stay above it. Some days it's just easier to let go and drift into the water... The words in my head keep telling me that I would not be missed by many... if anyone. Part of me wants to believe differently... the ego speaking quietly from the corner. I am weary. safe travels...
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